We Heart Successful Surgeries

Ahhhh. We're home. Clinton's well. And we have a new perspective.

Since learning of Clinton's diagnosis, I have gone back and forth between being glad to having surgery so soon to stressing over what-if's and letting my head swirl with worst-case scenarios. This is not me...and I know why. It sucks.

I'm really good at not worrying about things because "it doesn't change anything". I'm forever lecturing Rodney on the waste of energy that worry is. But this time I could not help myself. It was my son. His health. Surgery was involved. I had no control. And when it comes to my kids, control often brings me comfort.

I couldn't sleep and when I did I was having nightmares all surrounding my loss of control. One night I dreamed I was on the 6th mile of a marathon and I knew I wasn't physically fit enough for it. I kept telling myself that if I kept running I was going to die, but I couldn't stop myself. Another night I dreamed I kept finding Clinton under water and would have to run and pull him out. At one point I could no longer see him and spent the rest of the dream searching for him. This lack of sleep and real rest led to head aches, nausea and exhaustion. You would have thought I was the one who was sick. Pitiful, just pitiful.

There must have been a lot of prayers going up for us on Monday because Monday night I had this overwhelming sense of peace that just wrapped around me and kept me sane. I was able to pack our bags, get my parents from the airport and not think much about the next day for several hours.

Later I cuddled up next to Clinton and didn't sleep a wink that night. I kept trying to figure out how a mother survives the moment when they must let their child be wheeled off by the medical staff knowing what's going to happen in the OR. I just wasn't sure how I was going to make myself let go of him.

Tuesday morning came quickly. Once at the hospital I was feeling better...until they called our name. Ugh...my stomach dropped. We left all the grandparents and Heidi Sage and headed back to our holding room. There we distracted ourselves with Clifford the Big Red Dog on TV and talked to the endless stream of medical staff that came by to visit-- the anesthesia CNP, nurse anesthesis, anesthesiologist, personal nurse, resident surgeon and attending surgeon. We were well versed in medial lingo within minutes.

Clinton was really calm but clingy...naturally...he didn't know who any of these people were and they all wanted to listen to his lungs and check out his new "bracelet". Before taking him from us they gave him some "silly juice" that severely relaxed him. I had imagined getting to stay by his side until he was asleep but that wasn't the case. Once the juice kicked in they took him back to prepare him for the anesthesia. He was quite "drunk" at that point so there wasn't any screaming, he just kept looking back at us and as they turned the corner I heard him scream out, "Mooooommmmmyyyy". That's when my tears started. Rodney held me until I could pull myself back together and then we joined our parents back in the waiting room.

Thank goodness for family and friends. I was able to stay distracted through the surgery by visiting with our parents, playing with Heidi and taking a few calls from friends. I would have made myself crazy if I had sat there with nothing but my thoughts.

Rodney and I both agreed the hardest part was going back to find Clinton in recovery. He was all alone on a bed with no blankets, no clothes, tubes everywhere and was crying. And not just the normal things-aren't-going-my-way-and-I'm-two-so-I'm-going-to-cry-about-it cry. It was this miserable, inconsolable, from the gut sob. You could just tell he was in pain and terribly confused. After all, he had no idea what was coming. He just woke up to misery and never knew what hit him. We felt terrible.

We spent the next 10 hours taking turns holding him as he slept. Every 20-30 minutes he would wake up and cry, want to change positions and go back to sleep. He had been given a baby epidural at the end of surgery but they think his didn't take. So he was also administered morphine and lortab. About 9pm, as Rodney and I sat there at a loss of what to do for our son, I told Rodney, "I can't wait to have 'him' back. I want to hear him jabbering again." Not 30 minutes later he sat up and for the next hour or so we heard, "What's dat? Who's dat? Oooo... Schrucks! Mom! Dad!" Rodney and I have never been so giddy. We were so excited to have "him" back. Of course, as the pain meds wore off so did the conversation, but it was such a relief to see him normal again....even if briefly.

The past few days have brought us all relief. Clinton is being weaned off of his pain meds with ease. Rodney and I aren't feeling quite so on-edge. And Heidi Sage is...well, she never knew anything was wrong...so she is doing great.

This whole experience was hard on us and we were feeling really sorry for ourselves until we started to walk the halls of the hospital and see what real suffering looks like. Suddenly, this catastrophic event that knocked the wind out of us seemed more like a bump in the road and we were so grateful to God that our child only suffered temporarily. Our child had a definitive cure. Our child would have no memory of this.

I don't know why those other children have to endure such suffering, but I know those aren't answers I'll get in this lifetime. I do believe life on Earth isn't meant to be perfect and we're each given our share of trials and tribulations. I also believe God has answers to all of those questions we don't understand. And now I believe God must have a special place in heaven for children who've suffered here on Earth and the parents who sat by their sides, held their hands and wiped their tears.

As I said before, Clinton is doing great. The surgeon said he is a "best case scenario" as far as his recovery goes. He's feeling better everyday. Tomorrow we'll take his dressing off of his incision and see what's there. It may be a little gut-wrenching for all of us.

I want to sincerely thank each of you who prayed for us. We greatly appreciate every prayer that went up on our behalf. We also appreciate the gifts for Clinton, the meals for our family and all the phone calls we have received. Friends (and family) like you are wonderful to have and Rodney and I are so thankful to have had you all surrounding us during this time. We look forward to any opportunity we may have to return the favor.

Covered in prayer,