Their Hearts Will Break, And That's Okay

I went to hear Madelyn Swift speak a few years ago, and is with most information I'm presented with, I walked away retaining only one small nugget of information...but it has served me well in my short six years of parenting.

"You want your children to experience pain, or they will never experience empathy." (paraphrased)

As a parent, I have a responsibility and an undying maternal instinct to want to protect my children.  My days are filled protecting them from sickness, genetically engineered foods, desires to jump off of large pieces of furniture, inappropriate TV programming, household cleaning products with scary warning labels, spiders, each other, and even themselves.  While God is their ultimate guardian and protector, I'm doing all the hands on work with instinctive urgency and a few minor panic attacks.

One area where I find myself taking a step back is their exposure to emotional pain.  Barring emotional scarring--I want my kids exposed to emotional lows, because we all know they are overwhelmingly exposed to emotional highs.  I guess you could say I'm aiming for well-balanced children.

Their emotional lows are far from real lows at this point and more just learning how to cope with the real world on a day to day basis.  Or more importantly, that the world does not revolve around them.

Clinton finds himself at a low when he's losing some type of athletic competition.  He. Can't. Stand. It.  He wants to be the best at everything and win every time.  I see massive amounts of athletic potential in him.  I hope he becomes a world class athlete, but I hope it doesn't come easy.  I hope he has to work hard for it.  I hope he loses some, and learns to lose with grace.  I hope he embraces the challenge of fine tuning his craft in order to be the best.  I hope he develops a respect for the game, whatever it may be, and all the hard work each athlete puts into it.  And I hope Rodney and I are there to guide him through the emotional struggles he'll endure, but never shield him from them.

Heidi Sage finds herself at a low when a friend doesn't play with her on the playground.  When she starts to tell me about who didn't play with her that day, I just start to have horrific middle school flashbacks of girls being mean to girls.  I have to remind myself we're not there (yet) and find ways to encourage her.  We've had endless discussions about how we want everyone to be friends and that she can be friends with everyone.  We don't have to have one exclusive friend.  We talk about what each girl in her class has to offer as a friend or what makes them special like she's special.  I hope she occasionally finds herself on the outside, so that when she's in the "in" group, she's welcoming to those who are standing where she's stood.  Truthfully, I hope she's always brave enough to stand on the outside...and make it look good.

Rex finds himself at a low when we run out of yogurt.  I don't feel like any of us should have to endure this emotional low with him, so we're set up on Amazon Subscribe and Save with monthly bulk shipments sent right to the door.  Seriously...Glory to God, Amen!

Luella's lows are more about being a fourth child and having to wait her turn, even if it's just for a new diaper or nursing.  She'll come to learn waiting her turn will be more of a norm, and should not really be considered a low.

In all seriousness, I hope all of their personal struggles allow them to become empathetic to others they find traveling one of their familiar up hill paths.  I hope they reach out a hand, offer encouragement, or say a prayer.  I would find ultimate pride in knowing they even went as far as to make a sacrifice to make someone else's struggle a little more bearable.

But lately, I'm finding personal experience and personal pain are not the only things my children are going to be exposed to.  They also need to see real world problems.  Their hearts need to break for those in situations we've never been in, or can't even imagine being in.  Their responses need to be those of action, not just news absorbing idleness.  I want them to feel connected to another's pain for no other reason than knowing they are a fellow creation of God.

And I don't want them so sheltered from the world's problems that they are ultimately overwhelmed with the world later.  I want them to know now that there are problems, and if we look, maybe we can help be part of the solution...or simply a bright spot in a dark situation.

This month has brought a range of situations to discuss with our children.  The presence of evil with the Boston Bombings.  The overwhelming sadness with the death of a young girl in Clinton's school.  And the devastation of the West Explosion.

We've let our kids watch some of this on the news.  Enough so, that I found "X"s drawn on all the doors of the kids' wing where Clinton had gone in looking for survivors and wanted to let the other police know their rooms had been searched.  (Oopsie...maybe too much exposure.)

We've talked about the death of sweet Halle.  Up until her death, Clinton was of the firm belief that only old people could die.  During Halle's brief illness, the school had rallied for her recovery.  There were red ribbons on the buses, red ribbons on back packs, a big sign in the front of the school, and the kids were wearing red.  After she passed, the discussion was imminent.  We kept it brief.  We kept it simple.  We let him ask questions.  And we left no doubt our belief in God, Heaven, and eternal life.  Heidi Sage still walks around looking for her at the grocery store, the park, all around town.  The true concept of death is not yet within her grasp.

We're still contemplating the discussion of evil.  At airports we've talked about "people will take you and you'll never see me again if you don't stay close", but the idea of telling them there are people who will just walk in and take out a large group of people seems a bit heavy for their little shoulders.  It's a bit heavy for my shoulders.  In fact, we never even let them catch a glimpse of the Newtown news.  I just told Clinton, "You know there really are bad guys, right?  And you know you can't fight them like they do in the cartoons, right?  If you see a bad guy, you RUN as fast as you can and get help."

One of my favorite quotes is from Mr. Rogers, "When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping.'"  Could there possibly be a better way to teach kids to view the world, and God's hand in it?  There are ALWAYS helpers.  Evil, devastation, and sadness are there...but there are people running in to help clean up, help pick people up, help lighten the load.

I didn't feel there was much we could do for Boston.  There wasn't anything we needed to do for West. The great people of Texas stepped in and overwhelmed them with supplies, food, and money.  (I've never been so proud to be a native Texan.)

But we could do something for Halle's family.  It was a family affair.  We made dinner for her parents and her aunt and uncle.  We told the kids what we were doing and why we were doing it.  Clinton and Heidi Sage were eager to help.  I already had an extensive menu planned out, but Clinton really felt it necessary to make them brownies, too.  It seemed important, so we made them.  We spent two days making a variety of foods.  Heidi Sage was so proud to help deliver the food.  She wanted to help make them feel "bedder".

I share that, only to share this...my kids wanted to be a bright light.  They were genuinely sad about a girl we had never met and her devastated family that we did not know.  When Clinton insisted he make them brownies himself, my heart just about burst.  When Heidi Sage said she was sad for them, I shed a little tear.  Because maybe Rodney and I are getting part of this parenting right!

Sure, our kids have occasional smart mouths.  Sure, our kids struggle to hear our instructions about dirty clothes on the floor the first 27 times.  Sure, our kids can throw Broadway quality tantrums.

But they have love for others!  What more can a mother ask for?  A nap and a shower, maybe...but really not much else.

I hope to continue to have open discussions with my kids about their pain.  About others' pain.  About the world's pains.  And I hope to continue to show them the work and love of God in the midst of it all. And I hope their hearts break and their hands go to work in the name of God.

Glory be to God.  May the glory always be to God.