...now, I'm feeling an overwhelming mix of two very distinct feelings--gratefulness and guilt.
After replaying the day's events in my head, I have an abundance of gratefulness to God. I'm not one for rushing to the doctor. When I notice something odd, I have a tendency to watch it and see how it progresses...or in many cases, how it corrects itself and goes away. As I mentioned in my previous post, I just had this overwhelming feeling we needed to get to the doctor. Seeing as this is completely out of character for me, I can't help but think (well, know) this was the hand of God moving me in the direction I needed to be going. And the timing of everything worked out perfectly.
By the time I called the doctor it was 1:00p and I told them I needed the next available appointment, 1:40p was the slot they offered....the exact amount of time I needed to get there, get the kids unloaded and into the stroller, and wheeled upstairs to the office. Clinton didn't throw up until we got there. If he had thrown up before I may have assumed all of his symptoms were the stomach bug and not taken him in. And by the time we were seen, sent for an ultrasound and x-rays, and returned to the pediatrician it was close to 5:00p. If I had waited any longer, we wouldn't have had time for all three stops and a diagnosis in one day. And did I mention the ultrasound people just happened to have a spot open at the time we needed to be seen? God is so good.
"God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble." Psalms 46:1
Not only was the timing of the day perfect, but we are SO grateful we caught this as early as we did. Clinton still has quite a bit of functionality in his kidney at this point. Many times this can go undetected or misdiagnosed for so long that the kidney has little to no function by the time it is discovered. Our hope is Clinton's kidney will remain as functional as it is today and that hopefully he won't have any memories of this time...while our hearts and minds have been seared with some heart-wrenching memories.
While we continue to be ever so grateful to God, I find myself falling into moments of guilt. Don't worry, Mother and Heather have already lectured me about this--I know it's not my fault! But as a mother, you can't help yourself. Taking care of these kids is my life...and I take it very seriously.
After receiving our diagnosis and returning home, I began researching in order to learn more about what was going on inside Clinton's little body. There are a list of symptoms, each of which can present itself as something other than a UPJ obstruction or hydronephrosis. Unless you're specifically looking for it or know to put all those symptoms together, then it can easily be overlooked. Especially, when it's a two year old (or younger) who's experiencing these symptoms with little ability to communicate to you exactly what's going on.
Now I look back and realize how many times I missed the signs. Clinton was a great content-all-day, sleep-all-night baby. BUT he'd occasionally have a day where he cried all day and his tummy we would be like a rock--we'd take it as having a hard time pooping, since he was sometimes constipated. There would be nights he would cry for hours on end, no matter how much I rocked him or tried to feed him--I took it as something I had eaten that day that passed through to him. And there were the 10 "stomach bugs". Which we now know most of which were pressure in his abdomen from his kidney causing him to vomit. I thought it was odd that I could cuddle him and love on him so much while he was sick and only contract the virus once myself.
I just feel bad that he had to suffer for so long, but AGAIN I am so GRATEFUL that he will suffer no more once he has recovered from his surgery!
"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." Psalms 29:11
Today (or possibly tomorrow) I will anxiously be awaiting a call from the doctor with our surgery date. We're just hoping for as soon as possible. I know the actual day of the surgery will be hard on all of us, but we are so looking forward to having this resolved.
For now I spend the days trying to read every whine and cry, wondering if his kidney's hurting him. I worry that something may go wrong before we get to the surgery. And I have a bag packed and ready in case we have to make another run to the ER (we've been given a list of symptoms that require us to head immediately to the ER).
But in the end, I find myself in a lot of conversations with God--asking for strength for me and Rodney, asking for healing for Clinton, asking for knowledge and wisdom for the surgeon, and trying very hard to give over my anxieties to Him. He is an amazing God, after all...
"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psamls 55:22
Clinton was so glad to be home after two days of poking and prodding. He has spurts of himself followed by episodes of exhaustion and discomfort. He refuses to let me cut his hospital bracelet off his ankle and he knows we're weak right now, so he asks for a cookie as often as he can remember. How do you say no to a little boy in pain?
Heidi is being her usual self--content and happy. She sleeps 10+ hours at night, naps well throughout the morning, and eats like a horse. She loves having Clinton right up in her face, which I guess is good since that's where he is half the time. And while Clinton gets to pick and choose when he shares with Heidi, she just has to always be ready to share with him...it appears his new favorite place to watch TV is from her exersaucer. "My cher, my cher."
Keep checking back with us for surgery updates. I'm expecting prayers from each and every one of you! I don't ask you readers for much, so I'm hoping you'll oblige! :-)
Forever grateful,
6 comments:
We love you guys and are definitely praying for peace. Be confident in knowing God knows what's going on and his timing is perfect. Just continue to do what you know to do. You're a great mom!
You are such an amazing mom to your two beautiful kids. There is no way you could have (or should have) known about this issue, but by God's good hand, you caught it early. I hope that his surgery is soon so that you can put this behind you. You guys continue to be in my prayers!
And - I'm so jealous of the 10+ hour sleeping baby! That's awesome!
We will definately be praying for you guys! Just read this verse and thought it might give you guys some comfort!
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
He will be with you and all your family every step of the way! Thank you, JESUS!
No reason you should be feeling guilty, just thinkg about what the doctor told you. Have you heard from the doctor yet to schedule the surgery? Hope it is soon and Clinton can get back to being his crazy self!!!
Courtney - Sorry to just now be commenting, we've been in Texas. Bless your heart! I cannot imagine what last week was like for you. But, I do know that God IS good and HE walked you through each step of last Wed and Thurs. We will specifically pray for you, Clinton, Rodney, Heidi and all involved in Clinton's surgery and will be checking back often for updates.
Sweet Courtney. I just now saw your newest posts on your blog. Unbelievable!! Praise God for his perfect timing and how He led you through every step in getting the help Clinton needed. God truly is ordering your steps, isn't He? And in that you can place your confidence. Every scripture you shared as your wrote of your journey thus far is powerful and life-giving. "He sent His Word and healed them [us/Clinton]." God bless you and I am praying today that this surgery will be scheduled quickly and that God will give Clinton a supernatural recovery and freedom from his discomfort for the rest of his life. We are asking this in the strong and powerful name that is above every other name... JESUS.
Post a Comment